No more trips to Juneau!!!!

I received this in an e-mail from my friend Casey, who is defending his Masters thesis on Thursday, which I read today . . . after noticing last night that there were some dirty spots on the carpet. The subject of the e-mail was "Now I have to shampoo the carpet in his bathroom." Without any further fanfare . . . (keep in mind, Casey also has a journalism degree) . . .



Let me preface this story by saying it is a running joke among my friends that "Casey is low on the street smarts."

So it is about 11:45pm tonight, and all of the major networks are entering the third hour of their thunderstorm coverage. (The ABC station preempted almost all of the basketball game.) The coverage started when a huge band of storms was just entering the northwest corner of the state, and by this time the band was working its way through Oklahoma City and beginning to threaten Norman. It is at this time that I remember that I am in charge of taking care of Evan's dogs while he is out of town this week.

My family's dog used to hate thunderstorms. She would run and hide under a bed or in a bathtub, and she would visibly shake. It would be a shame if Evan's dogs had to spend tonight outside. I mean, this looks like a big storm; the weather man was talking about a history of golfball-sized hail and 60 mph winds.

Bad Decision No. 1 --- Maybe I should run up to Evan's house and let his dogs in.

So I pull some pants on, jump in my car, and make the 10-minute drive to his house. As I am driving, I am wondering what I am going to do with these dogs once I have them inside. They are mostly outside dogs, and they are usually pretty dirty. Almost every day this week, one or both of the dogs has been soaking wet when I feed them, and I don't think it is because of the rain we have been getting. I believe the dogs spend most of their days lying in a kiddie pool that is filled with dirty rain water. I even saw Justice drop a new rawhide bone on Wednesday morning in lieu of a dip in the pool.

Bad Decision No. 2 --- Maybe I should give the dogs a bath while we're waiting for the thunderstorm to pass.

Not only will I be easing the nerves of the dogs during the storm, but I will also be cleaning them. I am killing two birds with one stone. I should get brownie points for this.

So I get to the house, open the back door, and the dogs are nowhere to be seen. The thunder has started, and the dogs did not hear me open the garage door and enter the house. So I run outside and around the back of my house to where the dogs are lying next to the side of the house. They see me and immediately run toward the back door, which I left open. The dirty dogs run into the living room, leaving brown footprints as they go.

I herd them into the bathroom without too much trouble. It is at this point that I realize that the floor of the bathroom is carpet, not tile or linoleum. There's nothing I can do about this now. I shut the door on the dogs for a minute.

Bad Decision No. 3 --- Of course, I let the dogs into the house (and the bathroom) before trying to find the dog shampoo.

I couldn't find it. I looked by the back door, where the dogs' food and toys are stored. I looked in the garage. I looked in the bathroom. Maybe these dogs don't take baths. Oh well, I will have to make do with just water and maybe whatever shampoo is already in the bathroom.

So I enter the bathroom again, where the dogs are practically bouncing off the walls, they're so excited. I turn on the water and pat the inside of the tub. My family's dog knew that this action meant it was time for her to jump in the tub for her bath. Evan's dogs just looked at me. So I picked up Jester, put her in the tub, and began to rinse her off.

Bad Decision No. 4 --- Hmm ... maybe I can use this mango-scented shampoo to clean the dogs.

After about 10 minutes of rinsing Jester, I had gotten out a lot of dirt, but there was still a lot left. So I put some human shampoo on the dog's back. I try to rub it around, but it quickly gets buried in the mat of hair on Jester's back, to where I cannot rinse it off. All the while, Justice is lying on the floor and watching what I am doing. I just know that, when Justice stands up, the carpet underneath the dog will be brown.

Bad Decision No. 5 --- This will be better and faster if I turn the shower on the dogs.

Bad Decision No. 6 --- I should have both dogs in the shower at the same time.

Bad Decision No. 7 --- The only way I am going to keep both dogs in the shower is if I am in there with them.

So I pick up Justice, place him in the tub, remove my clothes, and jump in with them. (Yes, at this point, I am showering after midnight with strange dogs. Like I said, I am low on the street smarts.) Justice is okay with only the faucet on, but the dog freaks out when I turn on the showerhead. I try to hold the dog in the tub, but it is too freaked and too slippery for me, and soon Justice has escaped. Meanwhile, Jester is cowering at the end of the tub like I am abusing him, and the mango shampoo still won't come out.

Good Decision No. 1 --- Screw it, let's cut our losses and throw the dogs back out into the storm.

Bad Decision No. 8 --- Wearing nothing but a towel, I can throw two dogs out into a storm they don't like.

I try to dry off Jester with a white towel that turns brown as I use it. Then I wrap a different towel around my waist, open the bathroom door, and let the dogs out into the rest of the house. I herd them into the living room, open the back door, and ask them to leave. By this time, the dogs have realized that I am crazy. They won't budge. And, when I take a step toward them, they cower down toward the floor, to where I can't push them at all.

I probably had to pick up and put each dog outside at least four times. It was easy to get one dog outside. The problem was that, when you opened the door again to put out the second dog, the first dog would run between my legs and back into the house. And, each time, the escapee would try to hide in a different part of the house.

Yelling at the dogs seemed to work. Even though they outnumbered me, they never once growled or threatened me. So, when I finally raised my voice at them, they decided to stay outside. Jester still smells like mango.

At this point, the carpet in the bathroom is very dirty, the carpet in the rest of the house has some random dog prints, and the kitchen floor is very dirty. Unfortunately, I cannot find any cleaning supplies that would be of use to me. Carpet shampoo? No. Paper towels? No. Windex or something similar? No. Not only do these people never clean their dogs, but they may never clean the rest of the house.

So I left. I am going to return Friday night with store-bought cleaning supplies and do what I can. I have decided that, in the future, it would be wise to simply sit on the back porch and keep the dogs company outside.

That's all!