P is for Plan; C is for Change

[a post from Tom]

I had a plane ticket to fly from Juneau to Denver Monday morning at 6:00 am. Sunday I cancelled the ticket.

For several years I've been planning and saving to go to graduate school in Psychotherapy. The seeds of my dream to be a therapist go back much further, at least to 1987. I've had the specific program in mind now for two years (Naropa University, MA in Contemplative Psychotherapy). This summer I applied and on June 21 was accepted to the program, to start August 15.

Kristen has known my plans since we met and has been supportive and understanding of my dream all along. For almost a year we've talked extensively about how to sustain our relationship while I spend three years in Boulder, CO as a graduate student. As my departure date drew nearer, none of our plans felt right. I didn't want to be apart for nine months out of each year but couldn't reasonably expect Kristen to quit her job and move on such short notice. Going on ahead by myself and asking Kristen to join me at some unspecified later time felt too uncertain and too uncoordinated. The more we talked about it the more it felt unconnected, precipitous, for me to go on my own. I wasn't excited about starting school; I was worried about wrecking our relationship.

But another year of soul-sucking, mind-numbing dysfunction in my current job seemed more than I could handle. What good would staying in Juneau do if I was reduced to despairing mush, too demoralized to take the next step towards my dream? What kind of a partner could I be to Kristen if I stayed in that unhealthy workplace?

The catch-22 was broken just two weeks ago when I learned that a co-worker I respect had just taken on a supervisory job with open positions that I am highly qualified for. The way through the jungle lay before me! But I had already resigned, effective Friday August 5, barely more than a week away. I pitched the idea of staying, provided I could switch supervisors. The approvals cascaded up the management hierarchy, each day another layer higher. On Thursday, August 4, I "unresigned." The next day I resigned again, but this time to accept a transfer to a new position, under the supervisor I respect. Sweeter yet, I've negotiated extensive leave-with-out-pay periods over the next nine months so that I can devote time to planning and executing our move to Boulder next fall.

On Friday I deferred my application to Naropa for another year. I'm confident they will accept me again, to start the program in August of 2006. Then Kristen and I will move to Boulder, together, more gracefully than we could have this fall or later this year. We will not need to be apart for extensive periods. Kristen will not be pressured to uproot her household without help. And I'll start school confident that I've got my priorities straight.

Perhaps you can imagine the emotional roller-coaster the last few months have been. The last few weeks, especially, have been filled with uncertainty and 180 degree change. I still will not know for some months if switching supervisors will make my work environment healthy. Along the way I've subjected Kristen to sometimes daily changes in plan. "Yes, we can make it through months of separation." "No, I want you to go with me right away." "Wait, maybe I can stay another year?" I sometimes worried that she'd urge me to go to school right away just to stop the chaos.

The best part, the unexpected silver lining, in all this chaos has been that Kristen and I have "had the opportunity" (been forced :-) to uncover and reconcile our different ideas about what it means to plan together and stay together. Last week I reached a point where I knew that no matter whether I got the new position and stayed in Juneau or whether I left for Boulder on Monday, at least Kristen and I were clear that we were trying hard to be together.

The sun came out Sunday. The prediction is for warm and clear as far into the future as the forecast goes. Seems to me that staying in Juneau a while longer is the right thing to do.

Tom